Jen's Breastfeeding Journey

I spent a lot of time with Jen, both in consults and at the weekly Mother's Morning Out group. Breastfeeding was just not comfortable and was very frustrating for both Jen and Claire. We just could not find the root cause for the discomfort with latch and Claire also didn't fill up her belly when feeding at the breast. This type of discomfort is not sustainable long term so Jen, like many mothers, made the decision to change course and exclusively pump for her child. This is Jen's Breastfeeding Journey...

"My breastfeeding journey didn’t go as I thought it would from the get-go, beginning with the long and drawn-out birth of my daughter (who was induced at 41 weeks). I knew I wanted to breastfeed, but due to complications after birth I was physically unable to nurse for about 12 hours. I was always apprehensive about breastfeeding and my breastfeeding relationship with Claire proved to be complicated. I got the usual help in the hospital from nurses and lactation consultants, but when we got home I felt alone, confused, and frustrated. Claire had a hard time regaining weight she lost in the hospital at first; I was nursing, she was still crying, and we started supplementing with formula because we didn’t know what else to do. Even though I knew I was doing the right thing, I was wracked with guilt for supplementing and felt like I couldn’t get anything right as a new mom—first I had an unplanned c-section, then I couldn’t figure out nursing, what next? Sometimes Claire would have an all-out rock-star nursing session. The next time she would constantly pop on and off, hit me with her tiny fists, and scream and cry the entire time. After a tearful support group at MotherBorn that focused on breastfeeding struggles, I started attending Mother’s Morning Out and decided to schedule an appointment with Dana. Dana was encouraging, reassuring, and empowering, and the support group of moms I met through her began to immeasurably change my life in a positive way even though things weren’t going all that great for me as far as nursing was concerned.

     When Claire was about 2 months old I had a breaking point. I had been out shopping with her and she needed to eat. I hadn’t brought along a back-up bottle like I usually did, as this was supposed to be a quick trip and I thought I could make it back before the next feeding. She was hungry and screaming and, as I sat in the car trying desperately to keep her on my breast long enough to eat, I was in tears and wanted to scream myself. I realized I hated all of this. I hated nursing sessions that were more like an angry wrestling match than a sweet time of cuddles like I saw other moms experiencing. I hated that I never knew what to expect – would this time go smoothly, or would we both be in tears? I hated that I even felt that way in the first place. I was ultimately starting to dread feeding my baby, and I knew that was a dangerous road I did not want to go down. When Claire got bottles she was happy and, in turn, I was happy. Could I just pump my milk instead and feed it to her in a bottle? Was I throwing in the towel, showing a sign of weakness by not sticking through with it? I struggled with this for a couple days and finally, with the support of my husband, decided I’d give pumping and bottle feeding a try for just a day. To say that it was the best decision I could have made would be an understatement; the turnaround was immediate. Feeding sessions became snuggly and happy, I became calmer and more confident, and I was still giving my baby my breastmilk, which was important to me – just a different delivery method. When Claire was 3 months old I was able to stop supplementing with formula and give exclusive breastmilk while steadily building a freezer stash.

     Pumping wasn’t easy; there were countless moments when I felt sorry for myself and wanted to quit, but I kept on day by day until Claire was just over a year old. Looking back, it was such a small stage of our journey together. But it was a period of time where I felt such a spectrum of emotions while I held myself to an imaginary standard of motherhood perfection. I wanted to do the best thing for my baby, like we all do as moms, but I wish I had realized sooner that the “best thing” just takes a different shape and form in each situation. In the end, I’m so grateful for the breastfeeding guidance (and grounding) I received from Dana, for the supportive friendships I would have never made had I not had any breastfeeding issues, and for my emotional decision to exclusively pump to feed my daughter." Jen